Why We Need Anger (Just Like Every Other Emotion)

For a recent group counseling session on anger, I read up on some various perspectives on the fiery emotion we all love to hate and hate to love.

Unfortunately for the group (but fortunately for me and my family), I had a baby the next day so the group session didn’t happen. 

So let’s have a group today. Let’s talk about anger — why we need it, why we deny it, why we judge it, why it’s toxic, why it’s cathartic — and maybe we’ll learn a little about this complex emotion.

Actually, anger is unnecessarily complex. We’ve made it seem more complex than other emotions because, well, we’re lazy with our emotional vocabulary. Many times we are feeling frustration, disappointment, helplessness, sadness, bewilderment, grief, fear, loneliness, exhaustion, guilt, or feeling just plain misunderstood — and guess what we call it? Anger. 

Stop and think about it. How often do we oversimplify an emotional response by simply calling it anger? When are we really angry? 

We have overburdened anger by using it as our umbrella term for a lot of negative emotions that, quite frankly, need to start taking responsibility for themselves. 

“…anger is crucial because it orients us to injustice.”

(Source)

Anger is a necessary emotion because, like every emotion, it serves as a signal to ourselves and others. Anger’s signal has a lot to do with boundaries — someone or something has crossed a line. We need that signal so that we do not become permissive in our relationships or apathetic in our society. 

On the other hand, sometimes we need to re-evaluate the purpose of some of our boundaries that trigger anger; if we’re feeling angry all the time, is that boundary serving us in a positive way or is our sense of injustice skewed? Daily inconveniences, unmet expectations, and miscommunications do not generally fall under the category of injustice, but many times, we react as if they do…. At times, we need to redraw the boundary lines.

The following quote clarifies this further:

“Some common examples of maladaptive anger include when anger is activated by the slightest trigger, when it is chronically accessible, when it is used to intimidate and dominate, when it is confused with and used to defend against feelings of hurt, or when people are so self-absorbed they only see their own interests and are angry about being the victim when in fact they are blind to their privilege and how they are the victimizers.” (Source)

When someone expresses anger at us, we often interpret this as aggression toward us (more on aggression later) when in reality, we would never assume the same for sadness, fear, or loneliness (as long as they’re not disguised as anger!) Because anger is wrapped up with all negative emotions as well as the act of aggression, we take others’ expression of anger more personally than if they expressed sadness.

“Use your emotions as guideposts to help you remember where you’ve been, where you are going, and why. In this way, even the ugliest among them can be a gift.”

(Source)

Just like in the Disney/Pixar movie Inside Out, all emotions have a purpose, even the negative ones. All emotions are signals and we have to use them appropriately in order for them to be effective or else we end up reading others’ signals — and our own — incorrectly. We end up trying to help people in ways that don’t help or saying things that are insensitive to the real problem. We find ourselves under more stress because we can’t figure out what’s really bothering us, and therefore, unable to find effective solutions.

“Some degree of anger will be with us for all of our lives. So, this is the question to ask: ‘Is my anger working for me?’ When anger is mild, infrequent, dissipates quickly and is expressed assertively (directly to the problem person, in a non-accusatory manner) and without aggression, then professional help is not needed.  In such circumstances, anger may serve the role of simply highlighting your annoyance and it can lead to problem resolution. However, if your anger is moderate to intense, experienced frequently, endures to the point where you are holding a grudge and are planning to get even, and is expressed in aggressive verbal and physical actions, then there is cause for alarm. You are likely at risk for the negative relationship, health and sometimes legal repercussions related to inappropriate anger expression.” (Source)

Shirley McClain walks the line between adaptive and maladaptive anger in this scene from Terms of Endearment.

Note that aggression is separate from anger in the quoted description. Anger sometimes leads to aggression but not always, and it’s unhealthy to enmesh the two to the point that we express them together all the time. But many people do.

Think about this: If we — as a society — identify anger in place of most negative emotions AND many people express anger through aggression… that means punching a wall might mean disappointment, screaming profanity at someone could be helplessness, or threatening to hurt someone could emerge from frustration. That’s how violence becomes habitual.

We can’t keep that up on an individual or societal level; we’ll destroy each other. While anger can be productive, violence is not.

“…anger creates a cycle of rage and defeatism. When you feel anger, it provides the impulse to pass the pain along to others….Anger is classically a way of passing psychic pain on to others.”

(Source)

When we see anger only as aggression, we find ourselves interpreting others’ negative emotions as pain directed at us. We get angry that they’re angry then they become aggressive because we’re aggressive. Suddenly, the misunderstanding is a violent conflict. But would we be as angry if that person could point to the true emotion? Probably not. Saying, “I’m tired,” sends a different signal than, “I’m angry.”

Unfortunately, many people are uncomfortable showing the vulnerability of a negative emotion, and anger is seen as the strong alternative; when we have negative emotions that expose us to others as human, we use anger as a shield. We must learn to feel comfortable identifying disappointment, guilt, fear, and helplessness in order to save anger for when we really need it.

Because there are times when you need it — the world is a scary place — and you’ll need it in full force to protect and advocate for the boundaries in your life that are truly threatened. Don’t waste anger’s emotional energy on every negative emotion and don’t turn it into aggression unless you’re fighting off trauma; use it to stand up for yourself and others when the alternative is unbearable, not just uncomfortable.

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Sources

Henriques, Gregg (2015). “Differentiating Anger from Aggression.” Psychology Today. <https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/theory-knowledge/201501/differentiating-anger-aggression>

Kassinove, Howard. “How to recognize and deal with anger.” American Psychological Association.  <http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/recognize-anger.aspx>

Leibrandt, Erica (2013). “How Anger Serves Us & How to Let It Go.” Elephant Journal. <https://www.elephantjournal.com/2013/10/how-anger-serves-us-how-to-let-it-go/>

Pelusi, Nando (2003). “Anger, Pain and Depression.” Psychology Today. <https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200311/anger-pain-and-depression>